- Caffeine is life. If you ever get the option to hook up to a caffeine IV, DO IT!
- Whoever said to sleep when the baby sleeps DEFINITELY doesn't have a child. Let’s not kid ourselves that I’m some homemaker goddess smashing out the cooking and cleaning at nap time. I just realised I needed to time bodily functions and basic hygiene around the crotch goblins sleep. Also Netflix has some pretty great series these days.
- Just because Avery sleeps through the night doesn’t mean I will. She might have stopped breathing, become cold, or hot through the night and despite her CLEARLY being happily asleep I will feel the urge to check all these things. Twice. Per hour.
- Baby vomit is an acceptable mum accessory. I will run out of clothes by lunch time if I don’t accept this.
- An invisible demon will possess my child at 8pm every night and make her forget how to feed, suck her dummy, burp, fart… Look, basically she just forgets anything that makes her happy and must be worn closer than velcro. She will probably still be throwing a massive fit but at least I’m not leaning over a bassinet for 2 hours.
- If she starts grunting during a nappy change, throw a cloth over her and run for cover. Shits about to get real. Literally.
- My heart will melt every morning when she cracks the biggest smiles on waking up.
- If all I accomplish in a day is laying on the couch for 10 hours of baby snuggles, it’s a day well spent.
By Keely Clarke